It was a dark winter day when I met Tim for the first time. He was assigned to me by the latest clinic I had turned to for help with my issues. I spent the entire orientation to the clinic crying silently in the back of the room.
The day I met Tim I was suffering from extreme suicidal ideation. I just could not fathom why it was not OK to kill myself. In Oregon, where I lived, it was medically OK to commit suicide with the help of a doctor if the patient is suffering from a terminal illness. Why couldn't I?
After an hour of describing these dark feelings Tim looked at me. With a gentle smile he asked how I could feel depressed with a face as pretty as mine. This comment struck me as inappropriate and really just plain dumb- what in the Hell did my looks have to do with my mental illness?
I let the comment go figuring I was being too sensitive and continued to see Tim for regular therapy, eventually joining his depression group. He continued to make comments regarding my looks, even during group.
I mentioned that Tim's behavior made me uncomfortable during an appointment with the nurse practitioner. She suggested that I use a compliment sandwich to ask him to stop. I chose instead to write a note during group requesting that Tim no longer refer to my looks during therapy. He acknowledged my request and the comments seemed to die down.
I eventually stopped attending the depression group but continued to see Tim individually because at the time it felt like ge was the only person who was helping me. Our sessions were peppered with inappropriateness - enough to make me uncomfortable but I didn't trust my own instincts and didn't have anyone else to talk to.
I remember one session where he described in explicit detail how much he enjoyed his wife performing oral sex on him the same way a baby suckles on their mother's breast. He also told me he was living in his truck and read me text messages from his wife. He described one night where he was really excited thinking they were finally going to have sex for the first time in months but when they got to bed she told him he disgusted her.
My fiance attended appointments with me occasionally, including my appointment last week. It was during this appointment that Tim grabbed the back of my head while standing and thrust his pelvis towards my face. He looked at my fiance and said "See? This is what you do. This is what she wants.". My fiance and I were shocked but thought he's just being real with us, still not trusting my inner gut. I had been seeing him for seven months and never thought he would take advantage of me.
This is until my appointment yesterday. Yesterday he completely crossed the line. He told me that he feels sexual tension between us. He told me he thinks about me when he jerks off. He told me that he can see himself inside of me, literally (with a wink). He asked me to perform a breathing exercise where I inhaled until I could feel my genitals, then I was to perform a kegel exercise on my exhale. He told me he was divorcing his wife and read me more text messages that she sent him, proving his point.
I was shocked and really uncomfortable but I didn't trust my own feelings and just changed the subject every time he brought up sex. I had no idea what to say or how to react. I completely trusted him.
I have reported him but am still absolutely furious. Who else has he attempted to take complete advantage of? He knows about the plethora of sexual trauma in my past and pounced on my vulnerability. Not only have I wasted hours and hours commuting to his office only to be harassed, but I lost my therapist. I was counting on him to help me deal with my many issues, not add a whole new trauma to my laundry list.
I hope that by reporting this behavior he is stripped of his license and unable to seek out other vulnerable women in their time of need. He is a predator.
Update:
I am still reeling from the last visit I had with Tim, my therapist. The visit where he came right out and hit on me. Heavily. He told me he thinks about me when he jerks off and that he can literally see himself inside of me. How gross. And how absolutely gutsy on his part. Unless he thought I was just a poor mental health patient that he could take advantage of without repercussions.
I hope to surprise him in this regard. I have reported him to everyone I could. I have met with an attorney that I hope will take my case.
I feel completely violated and so stupid. I should have said something a long time ago, but then again, he was my therapist and I trusted him. I trusted him with all of my dark secrets. I would have never thought he would even be attracted to me in the first place. Hello? I'm crazy, and he is one person on this planet that should know that.
I had a nightmare the other night where I was raped at the airport. I had another nightmare last night where Tim stopped by our property. That is my worst fear, especially since he knows exactly where we live. He knows how our property is set up and which trailer I live in.
The last words heard from Tim is "What is going on?". The tone in his voice was urgent, like he knew he might be in trouble and was hoping I hadn't said anything. I hung up on him. He called back. I didn't answer his call, instead I called the county mental health clinic that he worked at. The receptionist said there was no supervisor available as I burst into tears, with him beeping on my other line. "Can you walk up to his office and ask him to stop calling me? He told me he thinks about me when he masturbates!" I blurted out to the poor girl.
She asked me to calm down and no, she couldn't tell him because she couldn't leave the her desk. I called the neighboring county's mental health facility and told them what was happening. They calmed me down. The next call was from Tim's boss. She left a message that they pulled the phone logs and saw the 4 phone calls. She wasn't aware that Tim was in the office yet that morning. Hmph. Why did he even have access to my file?
The last I heard, Tim's employer is investigating my claims. He has admitted to some wrong-doing but still has a job and free to hit on his other clients. Sure, it may have stopped in light of my recent claims. But he will start again if left to practice. This was just too smooth on his part to not have happened in the past. I'm sure he will claim that I was just crazy. No matter how crazy I am - it is *never* OK for a therapist to cross the sex-line. Especially to a patient with a plethora of sexual trauma.
**2nd Update**
I found an attorney and filed a suit after I learned that Tim would not be fired, even after his boss told me admitted to some wrong doing. Luckily the state believed me in their investigation and he surrendered his license. We settled out of court and I received about 20k after attorney fees and bills.
**3rd Update January 14th, 2022**
I was reflecting on what happened one random afternoon and decided to google Tim, to make sure he wasn't practicing somewhere with other vulnerable women behind closed doors. I was horrified to find his name come up in Kansas, the state he had worked in before moving to Washington.
I called the clinic to see if he was indeed practicing. When she said he had retired, I lied through my teeth to get information. "Oh darn" I lamented, "he helped me so darn much, that's too bad". And she responded like the women at the clinic where I had seen him, "Oh I know, isn't he the best? We miss him here so much". Right then something inside me switched and I said "Actually, he was sexually inappropriate with me and was not supposed to be practicing anymore, he signed an agreement with Washington state. I understand, he fooled all the women at the clinic where I saw him, and me between the inappropriateness."
She grew quiet and replied "well, he actually passed away last year." And my heart dropped. "No, that's not good, he was still human" and immediately I felt remorse. I'm not sure what for, I guess speaking ill of the dead?
I immediately got off the phone with her, went back to my google search browser, scrolled further down and saw his obituary. My heart dropped again, because even though it's not personal, he died on my birthday. Seeing his smiling face hovering over the one day a year that we're brainwashed to feel special, like it was a gift, felt awful and dark.
I haven't been able to trust mental health professionals since this happened. Not only Tim's behavior, but the county facility that employed him and the neighboring county facility that I reported him to both retaliated, one leaving me suicidal on Highway 101- I was on the phone with their crisis team that hung up and did not call 911. I would be dead had a random, very kind sheriff not have stopped and given me a ride to the hospital.
I tried another trauma therapist, a 78 year old dude that told me his age regularly and crossed my boundaries by hugging me and and attempting to hold my hand- after I told him about Tim and that I do NOT want to be touched at all, ever. The only reason I tried another male therapist is I am on Medicare and in that area he was the only trauma therapist.
I tried one more, this was a female trauma therapist but it felt really off. Her staff told me at least three times she was the absolute best in the area, I should feel lucky to get in to see her. The appt was at 8:30 at night in a dark part of town, it was just her and I and after an intake where she asked me thirty questions and diagnosed me with anxiety and depression, then the session was over after I jut regurgitated a million sexual traumas, I asked about EMDR on the way out and she said "huh, i didn't think that worked".
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