DB What?

I wrote For Me, Suicide is Always on the Table a few years ago and never thought that would change.

I always wondered what the fuck DBT was and how could it possible help me not be me.  Here's an example of how I applied it. I've been pretty fucked up recently and wrote this when I wasn't. I'm fresh from the dark side though and reading this helped a little in pulling me back. I doubt it could help anyone else, but man if it could, I'm happy to share.  That is a scary, shitty place to get stuck.

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My 11 year old daughter is supposed to be at Girl Scouts camp this weekend so I was surprised to see her active on facebook. I wondered if camp was cancelled and tried calling but my calls were rejected. I tried messenger and called again with no luck until a text arrived: mom please stop. This stung more that I thought it should. She's a tween and I'm the parent, I should be able to handle this but my insecurities flared up and I wondered if my yelling last weekend drove her away.

I wondered if I should let her be or find out more information and decided to text a question mark.  She called and told me she didn't want to talk me.  My mind immediately assumed it had been right all along and I am a bad mom.


You might wonder why I would jump to that conclusion right away, a valid question. It's because I was raised in an abusive, alcoholic home where the hate towards me was palpable. I'm terrified I will unwittingly carry on the cycle.  I'm not, but the fear is always lurking like a shadow.

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I asked my daughter why she didn't feel like talking and her response was her throat hurt.  I pretended to believe her while pain radiated through my chest. I quickly got off the phone as my thoughts wandered down the familiar path of self-loathing.

It was as if my brain had a distorted lens that I was now looking through. All of a sudden I was interpreting recent events as evidence I'm bad, not liked, rejected, etc. I looked at unanswered texts I sent and suddenly thought I was ignored on purpose. I looked back at recent interactions and viewed my behavior as bad, other's reactions as negative.

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Before DBT I would have continued down that painful path, combing through the mountain of evidence I had collected over the years proving my awfulness.

I used to live in suicide ideation, not by choice but because it was the only thing that made me feel better. It seemed everyday I was tumbling down a dark, suicidal spiral until imagining in detail every gory aspect of the death I thought I deserved. It felt like the only thing I could do to redeem myself for the pain I thought I caused.

Today is different. I've been in DBT for 10 months and have skills to escape the impossible hell that no one who hasn't been there could understand. In case you haven't heard of DBT, it stands for dialectical behavior therapy which is a fancy way of saying there's two sides of the therapy that happen at the same time: accepting myself the way I am while also accepting that I want to change.

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I've learned the sooner I catch myself and use skills the quicker and easier they work. I stormed out many times during the first few months and was really scared DBT wouldn't be able to help me but eventually it caught on.

If you're curious about the skills, the first one I used today is Describe. It's based on mindfulness and works how it sounds - I looked out the window and described to myself the green leaves rustling in the wind, the grey sky, the mango candle I could smell, the birds I could hear singing. It brought me back to the present moment and out of the past I was wading in. 

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The other skill I used is Check the Facts. I looked at the situation and considered the many possibilities besides what my gut was telling me to be true. I realized that my daughter is in a hotel room with a bunch of other girls her age and probably doesn't feel like talking in front of everyone while they're hanging out. I looked at my sister's unanswered texts and realized it was Friday night and she may have been on a date, tired, distracted - who knows? I thought about my best friend and instead of assuming he must be angry at me for some reason I realized the fact is I have no idea what is happening in his life.

When I first started DBT I doubt I would have caught these thoughts in time. I probably would have ended up dunking my face in a bowl of ice water for 30 seconds - that is also a DBT skill and is fantastic when it feels like your emotions are going to rage out of you. It activates the dive reflex in the body which slows the heart rate and calms you down.

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For me, suicide felt like a plague I couldn't shake. I knew in my gut that I was horrible and couldn't fathom anyone convincing me otherwise. The past had happened and there was no other explanation besides it was all my fault.  DBT got me 75% better but didn't fully dispel that belief until I read this answer on Quora.com by Brian Barnett. He explained how those with Borderline Personality Disorder form a subconscious belief that they and their feelings are inherently bad.  This was the answer I needed to see the past in a new light and destroy my belief that I was a horrible human being.

I don't want to come across as someone who has the cure but do want to offer hope to those that might not have any.  I used to scour the internet for anything that could help me, something to let me know that I wasn't alone and that it could get better but I didn't find that, instead it was therapists refusing to help BPD patients and horror stories from loved ones at their wit's end dealing with BPDers, which just crushed me further and validated my belief that I was awful.

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It takes me three hours and a ferry ride to get to DBT but not going isn't an option. I live in a rural area and when Obamacare passed I thought I'd be able to get help but couldn't find a DBT group that accepted Medicaid.

I went to the county behavioral health center because it was my only option with Medicaid. I sued them after they refused to fire a therapist that wanted to have sex with me.  I was then turned away from the neighboring county facility while in crisis and about to go through with my suicide plan. I already felt like the world hated me so when the only available help turned me away it brought me that much closer to tragedy. 

After a four year battle I was approved for Disability/Medicare and was finally able to get into a group. My DBT group has an 18 month wait list for medicare patients but somehow I started immediately, I think they sensed I was about to die. 

On the ferry to DBT

If you have Borderline Personality Disorder, struggle with self hatred and think about suicide I want to let you know you are not alone. What I've learned is our emotions and reactions that cause us shame actually make sense given what we've been through. Growing up in the environment that triggered this disorder was not our doing and there is hope for our lives to become worth living.

I seem to be on the other side now and want to help those still suffering. I had a hell of a time getting into DBT and if this is the case for you please leave a comment (anonymous is OK) with your city/state and insurance if you have it. I am interested in forming a nonprofit to bring DBT to those who need it.

Also, I heard Marsha Linehan speak about a grant her team was awarded to put DBT online so hopefully that will be coming in the future.

I greatly appreciate feedback so feel free to let me know what you thought of this post by commenting below.

DBH Facts

2010-2011: I was a patient at Discovery Behavioral Health (known as Jefferson Mental Health at the time). I saw a therapist for around 5 sessions and didn't really connect but continued to see the medication provider until I moved in 2011

2015: Moved back and went to Peninsula Behavioral Health in a neighboring county this time.  Was assigned a 55 male therapist going through a divorce that was sexually-inappropriate with me.  His behavior escalated over time.  In the beginning I asked him to stop.  He didn't.  Then I reported him to the med provider, she told me to give him a compliment sandwich.  Eventually he told me explicitly what he wanted.  I immediately reported him to the Director of Discovery Behavioral Health, Rue, where I had been a patient in 2010/2011. I told her because I didn't trust his facility after they told me to give him a compliment sandwich.  I also called Rue a few days later because that therapist wouldn't stop calling me and his facility told me they couldn't leave their desk to go ask him to stop.  I eventually sued Peninsula Behavioral Health because he wasn't fired.  We settled out of court for 50k in 2016 after he was fired.

4/18/2017: I had been doing really bad for months.  Not showering, eating, cleaning, laundry.  Was extremely suicidal.  Was found by police/ambulance after my mom had them track my phone and taken to emergency room via ambulance.  DMHP (county professional that decides what to do) let me leave the hospital as long as I agreed to go to Discovery Behavioral Health as it's only option when on medicaid. I happily agreed.  My mom had met me at the hospital and is my only support person in my life.  I had been stressing her out with emotional outbursts begging her to let me die. She was visibly relieved about me going to DBH. I warned her not to get her hopes up.

4/20/2017: I was called at 9 am by a 'crisis coordinator' claiming that I could not go to my 10 am intake because Rue said my medicaid was set to the neighboring county (my mailing address is in the neighboring county). I tried to explain that she was wrong,  I had had it switched in December 2016 so I could see my medical doctor.  The crisis coordinator wouldn't listen to me and I hung up in complete crisis.  All I could think about was walking down my driveway to Highway 101 and stepping in front of a semi because I knew I was a burden to my mom and I couldn't disappoint her and tell her there was no help for me.

I called Discovery Behavioral Health back and asked for Rue, the director and the person I reported my sexually-inappropriate therapist.   I told her who I was and begged for help.  My emotions were out of control, I was furious and begging for to let me be seen.  I told her I was going to step in front of a semi but she still said no.

I tried calling the DMHP but couldn't get ahold of them.

I walked down to Highway 101. I called Discovery Behavioral Health and spoke to the crisis line. I told them who I was and what I was doing and hung up.

I was walking to the bottom of the hill to get hit by the fastest semi possible when a sheriff stopped and eventually took me to the emergency room. 

Since I couldn't go to Discovery Behavior Health and I had medicaid, the DMHP on duty found me a bed at a psych ward where I spent 12 days adjusting to new meds.

My mom called Discovery Behavioral Health after she found out I was in the hospital to find out what happened and they told her I cancelled my appointment.  Fortunately you don't have to choose who to believe bc I have an app on my phone that records all my conversations (bc of memory issue due to meds).

5/9/2017- I had a suspicion that I want allowed to be seen because I had reported the sexual therapist and eventually sued Peninsula Behavioral Health. I called Discovery Behavioral Health and asked if a friend from another county could be seen if she was in crisis/suicidal and the crisis counselor said she could absolutely be seen, no problem.  I told him who I was and asked him to have Rue call me.  She never did.

6/1/2017: I contacted ombudsman and submitted a grievance stating that I was being discriminated against and felt unsafe knowing my only option for behavioral health would not help me. 

8/2017: received letter stating my grievance was reviewed and noted.

1/7/2018: Was taken to emergency room against my will by sheriff for stating to my mom I wanted to die.  I had used DBT skills to calm down and was no longer suicidal. 

1/8/2018: called sheriff's to explain what happened and told them how awesome the sheriff was on 4/20/2017 that saved my life.  The sheriff I spoke to was curious who it had been on 4/20/2017 and checked the 911 loss and could not find a call that day,  just the call on 4/18/2017 from my mom.

1/19/2018: Dawned on me that Discovery Behavioral Health had not called 911 on 4/20/17 even though I was in imminent danger.  The sheriff that saved me just happened to be driving by, which now makes sense why he was so confused.  At the time I was so distraught I never realized what had happened, I thought that even though Discovery Behavioral Health wouldn't let be seen at least they called 911. 

So I called Discovery Behavioral Health and asked if they kept a record of calling 911 and when she said yes, I had her check my records to see if they had for me on 4/20/17.  She couldn't find any record of me at all in the computer but told me she had heard of me.  When I asked why they refused to help me and why they hadn't called 911 she got gruff and told me she couldn't help me.  I have this call recorded, too.

Damages: 12 days inpatient that I wouldn't have had to do if they would have seen me.  Extreme emotional stress. I'm *so* lucky to be alive.  I feel unsafe knowing there is no help for me besides unnecessary hospitilizaton if I become suicidal and am on medicaid. I feel retaliated against for reporting the sexually-inappropriate therapist and suing to get him fired and protect others.

Suicidal, Begging For Help and Turned Away

I went to the hospital in the back of a police car yesterday against my will.  This was a first for me.  Last time I was in the back of a police car going to the emergency room I wanted to go.

It started when I woke up feeling bad about my past.  I have a lot of trauma from my parents I haven't dealt with yet and I live on my mom's property so when I ran into her while doing my laundry it triggered a severe wave of shame to overwhelm me.  My mom and I got into a heated discussion when my stepdad came barreling out of the back room with a finger pointed at me.  It felt like he hated me too so I ran out the door.

I ended up under a tree on the property.  It took me about 15 minutes to run through my DBT skills. I still felt sad because DBT does not take away emotion but provides a means to regulate them.  I went to the fifth wheel and was just starting a movie when I saw a sheriff pull into the driveway.

I went outside and was surrounded by four sheriffs.  I have had many positive interactions with this department but this time was different.  They acted like I had done something wrong.  I explained that I had been suicidal and ran away but did my skills and was much better, no longer suicidal at all.  They didn't believe me and forced me to go to the hospital.  The sheriff that drove me to the hospital was cold and short and wouldn't explain to me what law he was enforcing or why I had to go to the hospital.  Luckily I have skills now and was able to not react to his hostility.  Prior to DBT I think I would reacted and instead I accepted the situation so I could get back home to my daughter as soon as possible.  I saw the doctor briefly, explained myself and was promptly released.

The next day I called the Sheriffs to find out why this interaction was so different.  Turns out I had told my mom "give me a gun, I want to shoot myself" which she relayed to 911.  According to the sheriff deputy I talked to all they heard was 'gun' and that's why there were four of them and they were so serious.

It was during this call I learned the most horrifying fact and it has blown my mind.  A couple years ago I was seeing a male therapist that was going through a divorce.  He ended up telling me he thought about me when he pleasured himself, as well as many other disgusting comments.  I reported him to his facility but wasn't taken seriously.  I reported him to the neighboring county's facility, where I had been a patient years earlier.  I eventually sued the facility that employed him and was quieted with a 50k settlement, of which I got 20 after the lawyer and fees.  I wish I had taken it to trial but my lawyer basically said no.

A year after the lawsuit I was doing really bad.  I was in the emergency room three times in two weeks for suicide ideation.  The hospital set me up an appointment at the same facility that I had reported the sick therapist to and had been a patient of previously.

I was barely hanging on, waiting desperately for my appointment.  It had been weeks since I had showered or brushed my teeth.  An hour before the appointment I got a horrible phone call cancelling my appointment.  They claimed my medicaid wouldn't cover it because I don't live in their county but that was false, they were lying.  I tried to explain that I had fixed my medicaid coverage four months ago but it was like speaking to a brick wall.  She kept repeating herself and flat out ignoring what I was trying to communicate to her.

I hung up, cried and cried and started to picture my suicide in detail. I called the facility back and explained to the director but I was so upset and had been so desperate for help I was furious that they were denying me their services.  I begged and told her I was on the verge of killing myself and shared my plan with her but she still refused to let me keep my appointment.  I called 30 minutes later to thank them for pushing me to finally go through with suicide.

When I got to the location and began preparations to follow through with my plan a sheriff drove by and stopped.  I told him what happened and what I was doing and this guy was amazing.  He listened without judgement, validated what he could and offered me a ride to the emergency room which I gladly accepted- I just wanted help.

On top of all that, later that same day my mom called the facility to find out what happened.  She had been with me when they made the appointment and wondered why I was back in the emergency room.  They not only broke the HIPPA laws and spoke to her about me but they lied and told her I cancelled my appointment.  The very appointment that I begged them to keep.

After 12 days in the psych ward I was curious about the facility refusing to see me while in crisis and had a sneaking suspicion it had something to do with my lawsuit against the neighboring facility.  I called and stated that I had a friend in crisis that didn't live in the county but was suicidal and they didn't hesitate.  They immediately said to bring her in, it didn't matter what insurance or where she lived if she was in crisis.

Since that phone call I filed a grievance with the ombudsman.  I described that I thought I was being retaliated against and I wanted to make sure that never happens again.  I got a letter saying they got my grievance and I tried to let it go.

Until my phone call with the Sheriff recently.  You see the sheriff couldn't find a 911 call on the day I was on the highway.  There is no report or call at all for me that day.  THEY NEVER CALLED 911.  That sheriff just happened to be driving by, which explains why he didn't have lights on.

Let me reiterate that: the mental health facility that is paid by the county and the only option for medicaid patients not only cancelled my appointment and refused to see me for a completely false reason (they lied, I've checked with medicaid- they lied about that and it didn't matter anyway, I was in crisis) they DID NOT CALL 911 after receiving a report that a suicidal person was in the process of carrying out her plan. Isn't a crisis line obligated to call 911 if a caller is in imminent danger?

I filed a complaint with the state of Washington but they closed the investigation citing not enough evidence to substantiate my claim.  I'm not pursuing a lawsuit because I don't think it would change anything and I don't want to take money that could help someone in need.