Suicidal, Begging For Help and Turned Away

I went to the hospital in the back of a police car yesterday against my will.  This was a first for me.  Last time I was in the back of a police car going to the emergency room I wanted to go.

It started when I woke up feeling bad about my past.  I have a lot of trauma from my parents I haven't dealt with yet and I live on my mom's property so when I ran into her while doing my laundry it triggered a severe wave of shame to overwhelm me.  My mom and I got into a heated discussion when my stepdad came barreling out of the back room with a finger pointed at me.  It felt like he hated me too so I ran out the door.

I ended up under a tree on the property.  It took me about 15 minutes to run through my DBT skills. I still felt sad because DBT does not take away emotion but provides a means to regulate them.  I went to the fifth wheel and was just starting a movie when I saw a sheriff pull into the driveway.

I went outside and was surrounded by four sheriffs.  I have had many positive interactions with this department but this time was different.  They acted like I had done something wrong.  I explained that I had been suicidal and ran away but did my skills and was much better, no longer suicidal at all.  They didn't believe me and forced me to go to the hospital.  The sheriff that drove me to the hospital was cold and short and wouldn't explain to me what law he was enforcing or why I had to go to the hospital.  Luckily I have skills now and was able to not react to his hostility.  Prior to DBT I think I would reacted and instead I accepted the situation so I could get back home to my daughter as soon as possible.  I saw the doctor briefly, explained myself and was promptly released.

The next day I called the Sheriffs to find out why this interaction was so different.  Turns out I had told my mom "give me a gun, I want to shoot myself" which she relayed to 911.  According to the sheriff deputy I talked to all they heard was 'gun' and that's why there were four of them and they were so serious.

It was during this call I learned the most horrifying fact and it has blown my mind.  A couple years ago I was seeing a male therapist that was going through a divorce.  He ended up telling me he thought about me when he pleasured himself, as well as many other disgusting comments.  I reported him to his facility but wasn't taken seriously.  I reported him to the neighboring county's facility, where I had been a patient years earlier.  I eventually sued the facility that employed him and was quieted with a 50k settlement, of which I got 20 after the lawyer and fees.  I wish I had taken it to trial but my lawyer basically said no.

A year after the lawsuit I was doing really bad.  I was in the emergency room three times in two weeks for suicide ideation.  The hospital set me up an appointment at the same facility that I had reported the sick therapist to and had been a patient of previously.

I was barely hanging on, waiting desperately for my appointment.  It had been weeks since I had showered or brushed my teeth.  An hour before the appointment I got a horrible phone call cancelling my appointment.  They claimed my medicaid wouldn't cover it because I don't live in their county but that was false, they were lying.  I tried to explain that I had fixed my medicaid coverage four months ago but it was like speaking to a brick wall.  She kept repeating herself and flat out ignoring what I was trying to communicate to her.

I hung up, cried and cried and started to picture my suicide in detail. I called the facility back and explained to the director but I was so upset and had been so desperate for help I was furious that they were denying me their services.  I begged and told her I was on the verge of killing myself and shared my plan with her but she still refused to let me keep my appointment.  I called 30 minutes later to thank them for pushing me to finally go through with suicide.

When I got to the location and began preparations to follow through with my plan a sheriff drove by and stopped.  I told him what happened and what I was doing and this guy was amazing.  He listened without judgement, validated what he could and offered me a ride to the emergency room which I gladly accepted- I just wanted help.

On top of all that, later that same day my mom called the facility to find out what happened.  She had been with me when they made the appointment and wondered why I was back in the emergency room.  They not only broke the HIPPA laws and spoke to her about me but they lied and told her I cancelled my appointment.  The very appointment that I begged them to keep.

After 12 days in the psych ward I was curious about the facility refusing to see me while in crisis and had a sneaking suspicion it had something to do with my lawsuit against the neighboring facility.  I called and stated that I had a friend in crisis that didn't live in the county but was suicidal and they didn't hesitate.  They immediately said to bring her in, it didn't matter what insurance or where she lived if she was in crisis.

Since that phone call I filed a grievance with the ombudsman.  I described that I thought I was being retaliated against and I wanted to make sure that never happens again.  I got a letter saying they got my grievance and I tried to let it go.

Until my phone call with the Sheriff recently.  You see the sheriff couldn't find a 911 call on the day I was on the highway.  There is no report or call at all for me that day.  THEY NEVER CALLED 911.  That sheriff just happened to be driving by, which explains why he didn't have lights on.

Let me reiterate that: the mental health facility that is paid by the county and the only option for medicaid patients not only cancelled my appointment and refused to see me for a completely false reason (they lied, I've checked with medicaid- they lied about that and it didn't matter anyway, I was in crisis) they DID NOT CALL 911 after receiving a report that a suicidal person was in the process of carrying out her plan. Isn't a crisis line obligated to call 911 if a caller is in imminent danger?

I filed a complaint with the state of Washington but they closed the investigation citing not enough evidence to substantiate my claim.  I'm not pursuing a lawsuit because I don't think it would change anything and I don't want to take money that could help someone in need.