Proof It Was All In My Head

If you struggle with suicide ideation then this post may be triggering.  Please call the suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255) if you want to speak with someone.  Hopefully they won't put you on hold.

I think I'm really crazy.  I can't tell if I'm making up my problems or if they really exist.  I called my grandparents and am now convinced that I was right all these years.  My family doesn't like me.  The only reason I was ever invited to anything was only because I was family and even then they didn't really want me there.  When I cried to my grandparents that I have a mental illness and that's why I behave the way I do they reacted in anger.  My grandpa said that all I worry about are little things that only affect me.  What he didn't understand when I told him I don't brush my teeth is I can't do anything, literally anything.  Sounds simple, just go brush my teeth but I have so much hatred at myself that I won't let me do it.  It's a constant internal battle.

I hate myself so much that I hit myself a couple nights ago.  I hit my face so many times my jaw is sore and my eyes bruised.  I hate me for being such a bitch and creating all this havoc in my life.  There's something about me that turns people off.


**Update**

I sat in my car this morning waiting for the right semi to step in front of.   I was over-the-moon grateful for being accepted to the DBT program but now I'm convinced it's not working, which is a terrifying thought as it's my last hope.

I couldn't stop dwelling on how much everybody in the world would be much better off if I'd just take myself out.  After a few minutes my phone alerted me to a scheduled call with my DBT therapist.  I felt a little relieved as the phone rang, thinking that she'd be able to help me out of my spiral.  But that's not what happened.

After arguing with her about my interpretation of my life, that absolutely not a single person wants me around, I was so convinced I was right I eventually hung up on her.

My brain takes off, thinking I'm too lazy to walk my dog everyday so she'd be better off.  I'm too lazy to clean my place so my daughter would be better off without my mopey attitude, mood swings and messy place.

It's so embarrassing how filthy everything is but I just can't bring myself to clean.  'I'm not worth it' is what my brain says and unfortunately that's who's in charge.

I sat in my car for a almost an hour on the shoulder of the highway.  After a big semi that pushed my car went by I thought to myself 'Oh, that'd been a good one.  That would have got the job done.'

It was really strange because as I got closer to opening my door I felt better.  The emotional pain I carry in my chest got so tight it was difficult to bare until I decided to go through with it, to let a semi run me over.

I imagined what it would feel like to get hit,  pictured how my body would fly and wondered if I'd die instantly.  The more I thought about it in detail the more the pain lifted away and I felt relieved.  When i realized what I'd decided to do I cried like a small child that got her favorite toy thrown away, except this was my life.

After that hour and a river of tears, I told myself I would have done it already if I was going to go through with it.

The sharpest pain was the thought of hurting my daughter.  My mind immediately, even right this moment goes immediately to how I have mood swings and I was so lazy this weekend, she deserves better, her dad is more stable and every other reason my mind can come up with.

When I got home I messaged my cousin's wife after years of no contact.  I went from seeing my family every holiday to never.  I let this horrible disdain I felt from the family keep me away.  I felt shunned by everyone and had agonizing bouts of intense sadness and fear.  Last week I called my mom sobbing, just aching so hard in my chest with a burning desire to get me out of commission so I stop causing drama and irritating people's lives.  I became hysterical on the phone with her, crying "I'm bad" over and over while feeling it intensely with every ounce of my body.  I let pain take over and that's when my self hatred exploded to the point I beat myself up, hitting and punching my face.

This whole time I've been convinced the family didn't want me around based off of weird looks, sideways glances, small little things to the rest of the world but huge and life changing for me.  At least for now, hopefully DBT starts to work soon.  Any day now...