RIP Dad

My alarm went off at 6am the day my life changed.  I was up late the night before watching David Letterman.  I was groggy and unmotivated to meet the day but had no choice, so after hitting snooze four times I rolled out of bed and sloughed my way to the bathroom.  If I wanted to shower I had to get up before my angry step-dad, Rocky, came pounding on the door.

I stepped into the hot, steamy shower and let the water pour over me.  As I spread shampoo throughout my curls I could feel a clump of what felt like pine needles tangled up in a knot.  I worked the knot until I could feel the mass work free.  Barely awake, I half-assed looked at the clump and what I found left me with a cold shudder down my spine.  I was suddenly awake and staring at a big, black and thankfully dead spider.  Horrified, I quickly brushed it off my finger and watched it swirl down the drain.

I noticed the familiar stench of cigarettes leaking under the bathroom door and it wasn't long before I could hear the heavy footsteps of Rocky.  His footsteps echoed off the walls stained yellow with years of nicotine.  He was a Vietnam vet with brutal emotional scars that caused us all pain.

Boom, boom, boom!!

"Hey, you outta there sometime today or what?!" Rocky bellowed, most likely with a lit cigarette dangling out of his mouth.

“Yep, one minute” I reply.  I hurriedly dried off my short curves, expecting more booms from the door any second. Rocky was cold and mean, pure and simple.  He had no cares in the world except where his next beer was coming from.  It wasn't just the yelling, it was his lack of compassion and his desire to be a dick that left my sister and I scarred.

I quickly brushed my teeth for 10 seconds, rinsed my mouth and rushed out of the bathroom before Rocky really lost his cool.  I slid open the dark closet door and unzipped my clothes keeper. It zipped and I hoped prevented me from smelling like an ashtray.

I rushed out of the house before I smelled like a bar.  My boyfriend Rob would be pulling up any minute.   I waited on the street, under huge evergreens, and watched a pair of ducks waddle towards the creek at the bottom of the mountain.

                                                                                 ****

My parents rarely went to bed sober, but this night was different.  Even though it was Saturday they sauntered off to bed before 9pm.   Rob was with his buddies, my friends went to the mall and I was home by myself.  I watched a movie while resting my feet on the brick of our fireplace.  I was unsettled.  I kept looking furtively at the clock, expecting something to be wrong. I waited for the phone to ring but had no idea why... and then it rang.

It was 10:26 pm, no one ever called at that hour.   I rushed to the phone and was horrified to hear my aunt's voice.  I immediately asked her what was wrong, who was hurt, but she only wanted to speak to my mom.  I sprinted down the hall and burst into my mom's room with the phone in my hand.  I rushed over and thrust the phone into her hand.  Sleepily she asked who it was.  I told her Aunt Shari, my dad's sister.  I was terrified something had happened to my grandparents, who would do anything for me.

“Oh my god... uh-huh … oh, no... no, you tell her” my mom mumbled into the phone.  I kept asking “who?... who is hurt?... who is it?” but mom wouldn't look at me.  Finally she handed me the phone.

***

I fell to the ground mid-stride down the hall.  I couldn't believe what I'd just heard, it had to be a mistake.

“There was an accident, Eliza” my aunt said slowly.  It felt like she drew out every syllable.  I knew someone was hurt, who?  Who could it be?

“Uh-huh, who? Who is hurt?” I frantically blurted out, cutting her off.

“You're dad was in an accident” she told me with pain in her voice.

“Is he ok?” I asked, the dreadful question no one wants to ever ask.  “No honey, he's not” she said, her words dropping off into a muffled sob.  “He's dead” she cried.

And that was it.  That was the moment my heart dropped to the floor, taking me with it.  All this time... all this time I'd been avoiding him, and now he'd never know why.  I'll never be able to see him again, after I'm healed from the rape.  I won't get the chance to show him my bright smile... someday when I get it back.

My mom cradled my head in her lap as I cried.

                                                                            ***

Dad had warned me last October and I didn't listen.

It was a family dinner and everyone was there except my cousin.  My dad and the rest of our family had turned their backs on my troubled cousin.  I thought it was because he was a step-kid in the family.  I wanted to hang out and reassure him.

I went to his house against my dad's rules.   We were listening to Alanis Morrisette's debut album.  He had christmas lights up in his room.   And he raped me.

To be continued...