What an exhausting morning. I knew my grandma had lied to my mom last week when she called to find out why they don't have contact with me. My grandma said that she didn't hear me tell her that I was on the verge of killing myself. "It's hard to understand you when you get like that" she told me. I knew exactly what she was talking about.
Borderline Personality Disorder sufferers feel emotions with the sensitivity of a third degree burn victim. When I feel intense pain or anger my voice becomes deep and distorted, usually leaving me with a sore throat. Sometimes I don't even sound human.
My pain this morning was agonizing. So much so that I haphazardly pulled my car over, got out and sobbed uncontrollably. The sobbing was loud enough a kind motorist stopped. He stayed with me while I spoke with 9-1-1 dispatch. I was scarred I would finally do it, finally kill myself. Im already impulsive so throw a little fuel in my fire and it's over.
My worst fear was true: my grandparents were so angry they were purposely avoiding my contact. I couldn't believe what I heard come out of my grandpa's mouth. He was loud and harsh when he told me my phone number changed too much for them to try to call me. Yeah... I guess getting a new number 2 years ago would make it impossible to call me. Even after I left a suicidal message ending in rage, telling them I was on the verge of killing myself and to fuck off for never talking to me when I need them the most.
I spent 12 days in the hospital in April and no one came to visit once. It's not usually something I think about but every once in awhile reality sets in: they visit anybody and everybody they know. Why not me? Why couldn't they call me after they found out I was mentally ill?
The problem is I present well. I've been told over and over that there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with me, even by professionals. My disability lawyer told me to go get a job the first time he met me, until I went Borderline on him one day. My grandparents see me holding in depth conversations and appearing fine so they must not realize how sick I am.
Sometimes I don't shower for a week at a time. I don't brush my teeth or put on clean clothes. I feel like I don't deserve to take care of myself, like I am a really bad person. I stay away from people because I don't want to bring them down. I don't know what to say when someone asks me how I am without sounding like a buzzkill.
At least I know that it wasn't just in my head, my grandparents were really avoiding me. Although this has thrown off my DBT homework: Checking the Facts. The idea is to recognize what emotion is causing distress, for me it was sadness. Then think about my interpretation of the facts then brainstorm other possible scenarios. Unfortunately in my case my interpretation was correct.
After feeling intense emotions like this morning all I want to do is sleep. It ruins the whole day. My eyes are puffy and I'm slow and exhausted. It's only 6 pm and here come my pajamas.
I hope your day was better than mine.
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