Today is my former best friend's birthday, and I miss her. I wish I could tell her happy birthday but she stopped responding and I think may have blocked me a couple years ago. I wish she had felt comfortable or brave enough to tell me why.
The same thing happened with my sister last year. And I haven't spoken to my daughter but once in two years. My buddy I like to talk about space and science with hasn't really spoken to me much recently either. Same with just about everyone that was close to me, or who I considered a supportive person in my life has fallen out of reach.
What happened? Did my borderline personality disorder spiral out of control and no one could take me anymore? Nope.
I'm healing. This is a dark part of a beautiful, lonely and painful journey, but I think it's the tunnel between hell and heaven on earth.
I have glimpsed and felt what life is like without CPTSD managing my life, and it's like the difference between a fresh strawberry sundae with homemade biscuits and whipped cream versus a frozen fruitcake shipped internationally and left at port for an extra month. If fruitcake is all I had ever known I'd still be living with the mucky dull sweetness disguised as desert.
That life I've briefly experienced has been post DBT and between soul crushing betrayals and abuse by those I trusted.
Now I'm swimming in CPTSD on the regular because of events and actions that blindsided me. I feel like I have to write this to be free of this heartache, to have a recording for Zoe if she ever is interested in my side of the story. I wish I had discovered what Narcissism was before I lost my daughter, the pain of which has been unbearable and made me so grateful for disability.
I would have been voluntarily off disability had these events not have happened. I feel guilty almost everyday for not working, I've always been like that. At this point my soul is tired, I feel like I may have committed suicide and this is like my karmic hell, for those people that I thought loved me can hurt me back for how much my suicide hurt them? But what I actually think is these people are damaged/hurt and incapable of love, and that I am slightly autistic and just don't see games/manipulation. I have so much empathy, am highly sensitive, cry so easily and already blame myself for everything, making myself an easy target.
Why would I act that way? My mom, the vodka-drinking, pretty-faced devil I've been working to please for 39 years. Until I quit June 15th of 2018, three months after my ex took my daughter with 18 hours notice.
Me even writing this story is inself an act of defiance. I was taught at the tender age of 5 what happened if I spoke out.
