My daughter has been at her dad's for three weeks now. Our custody arrangement states that I have her every weekend and school break, and since he has moved to Washington, this will happen soon. For the moment I am stuck in Alaska waiting for the settlement check from suing my creepy therapist.
When my daughter visited last Christmas, she showed me a cavity on her molar. The cavity was big enough that I could easily see it with my naked eye and I am supposed to wear glasses. Horrified, I told her dad who said she had been to the dentist and there were no problems. She could not remember the last time she had seen the dentist, but OK, not worth a fight as long as he gets her there now.
I reminded him twice in the next six months. Always there was an excuse: not enough time, he had to work, the dentist couldn't get her in, insurance problems. Since I was in Washington and they were in Arizona, I couldn't take her myself and felt helpless. I offered to make calls if he'd tell me what days he could take her but he never knew his schedule. How he managed to get anywhere on time must have been a miracle.
In April, he decided to move to Washington with his fiance. I was overjoyed that all the begging I had done paid off. It killed me when he moved to Arizona to be near his mom. I had always feared that would happen. Sure enough, when his second wife was tired of being the sole bread winner he up and left. He bragged to me he was leaving her with the holes he had punched in the walls. She later told me the apartment charged her $3000 in drywall repairs.
His fiance began her new job May 1st in Olympia. My daughter stayed with his fiance's mom in Arizona so she could finish the school year. I was still asking for someone to take her to the dentist but was always told it wasn't in the schedule. During that month I was only able to speak to my daughter three times. I called and called, but no one ever answered the phone. It was gut wrenching, especially since he said this woman was a "bitch".
My daughter finished her school year and met me in Alaska for the summer. When she opened her mouth to show me her cavity my heart broke. Her cavity had gotten worse because her father couldn't make time to take her to the dentist. Turns out she had five cavities. The one I could see was so deep they needed an extra appointment to finish the filling. I was livid!!! I told him that she is his first priority and questioned how he could let her teeth rot for six months, knowing there was a problem. He responded by accusing me of just trying to piss him off. He generally thinks everything is about him.
When he was talking about moving to Washington I offered to babysit for him and his fiance. I was worried that they would move somewhere else closer to family since there are four kids between them. Plus any extra time I get with my daughter is worth it. His response was I was "just trying to get close to" him, which came out of nowhere. There's never flirting or talking about anything besides our daughter but that's how he thinks.
Fast forward to today, mid-September. My daughter has been home with him for three weeks. A week ago, after me asking her daily about brushing her teeth, she finally said "Sorry mom, I don't have a toothbrush here." I was shocked but didn't want to upset her, so I nonchalantly repeated what she said. And I had heard her correctly. I asked her if anyone had helped her unpack her suitcase because there was a toothbrush in the small pouch. She said no one had helped her and she couldn't find it. I told her to try using a washcloth to wipe her teeth. She said the washcloths were for the little boy's baths and that her bath towel was too dirty. She said she had been using her finger and toothpaste.
Even more livid than I had been about her cavities, I mailed her a toothbrush the next day, with a tracking number. I have asked her every day this week if she got her package and every day she says no, they didn't check the mail. Tonight, I heard her dad snap at her that he wasn't getting the mail tonight. I looked at the street view of their home on Google Maps, and the mailbox is right across the damn street. I hadn't mentioned the toothbrush issue to him because I didn't want him to get angry with her for telling me. After seeing where the mailbox was, I texted him and asked him to check the mail. His response? That she had lied and really did have a toothbrush there. She had only used her finger one night when she was stalling to go to bed. His story does not make any sense. She had nothing to gain by lying about the toothbrush and in fact, felt bad about it.
It's a delicate balance between fighting him and keeping a working relationship. Kids do lie sometimes. I know there is a toothbrush in the mailbox that she will get soon. I would love to call Child Protective Services just so she could brush her teeth but they don't have funding for small issues. Unfortunately, with my mental illness always lurking in the shadows, I have to appreciate what her father does do correctly and fight him when it is really necessary.
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